Resolve to Speak Truth

It is January. time for New Year’s resolutions. Often made, rarely kept.

I do have one resolution that would make your life very uncomfortable for a moment, and then much more comfortable forever. Speak the truth of your mind.

Actually, admitting truths to yourself, and expressing them where it is most needed and likely unwelcome, is the path toward a more serene existence.

When someone behaves in a definitely “inappropriate” way with you, take a breath and don’t merely say, “That’s inappropriate.” That is limp.

Instead, if someone grabs your butt, strokes your breast, grabs at your genitals, or makes a lascivious comment, call it out loud at the moment it happens!

So, instead of, “That was inappropriate,” how about in a loud voice: “Don’t you dare grab my ... again ever!” or, loudly: “Wouldn’t your wife/husband be upset to hear you suggest sexual acts with me?”

Why would you not respond immediately and definitively? Let me count the ways: Some part of you was titillated, you are embarrassed, you don’t want to make a scene, you will be seen as oversensitive, there might be confrontation or retaliation, you might lose some advantage, and on and on.

Well, if you won’t stand up for your dignity, you won’t have any.

I watched the recent docudrama about Marilyn Monroe. I assume little of it was accurate, but one scene shocked me.

It showed Marilyn going to visit President John F. Kennedy in a hotel room. He is on the phone and he motions her to perform oral sex on him. She complies, looking stricken and miserable. But she does it.

How many of you do it — whatever it is — because you make an appraisal in your mind that the cost/gain benefit is not in your favor? And you choose the route that does not maximize your self-respect. Trade-off time?

Sacrifice is difficult.

Some of you rued going to Christmas gatherings because many in your family were generally cruel, abusive or even dangerous. Many people called me for advice as to how to “handle” the problem.

I reminded one female caller that she made vows to love, honor, and cherish her husband and that did not include dragging him into her family hell of addictions, violence, nastiness, disloyalty, etc.

Again, speak the truth. Call your mother (or whomever) and explain that you aren’t going to attend whatever because ... and say the truth! Stop living the lie that none of the horrors exist because your family wants to have the perks of a “family” without earning it.

So many callers think that “parental love” excuses bad parenting. Having adult children who are disrespectful, rude, or contrary often leads to parents who figure it’s better to be manipulated than “hurt” the relationship. Really?

When your adult children behave meanly and without regard for your feelings or well-being, I think there isn’t any quality relationship in the first place. Also, many parents of these adult children think if they keep spoiling them, their children will straighten out. Nope.

Many 20-somethings are shacking up out of wedlock in spite of being brought up with a healthy respect for values of commitment, sacrifice, and service in a marriage. Shocked parents call me not knowing what to do.

I ask them to speak up with their truth: “We don’t respect your choice to shack up outside of marriage. It spits in the face of your parents’ vows. It is your choice.

“This is our choice: We won’t visit your living arrangement; we won’t regard your shack-up honey as family, as you have decided not to make him/her family through marriage; if you decide to marry, it will be on your dime as you can’t ask us to respect tradition when you aren’t respecting tradition; we will not be supportive of any of your relationship or financial woes.”

Parents need to speak their truths knowing that it will make them sad but they are willing to make the sacrifice to have dignity. There are more examples — examine your life for the rest of them.

Happy New Year.